Grrrr...

I switched on breakfast TV this morning to the see Heather Mills doing a backflip on the American version of "Strictly Come Dancing". Marvellous.

As if it isn't enough that people constantly ask why my artificial limb isn't as "lifelike" as Ms Mills', now they're going to be wondering why I'm still painfully limping along while she leaps around the dancefloor like an extra in "Grease".

The simple answer is MS MILLS HAS A HELL OF A LOT MORE MONEY THAN YOUR AVERAGE AMPUTEE.

She goes to the dog's bollocks of prosthetics centres - Dorset Orthopaedics - where she has also been instrumental in patenting her own "Heather Mills Cosmesis". This is the lifelike cosmetic covering she wears on her own limb, that's made of state-of-the art silicone. It's the kind of stuff they use for special effects in Hollywood movies. These covers cost thousands of pounds, and - surprise, surprise - they aren't available on the NHS.

And I almost choked on my cereal as the news presenter excitedly told us all how Ms Mills had had a new leg specially made just for the particular jive she was demonstrating, which would allow her to jump easily from one leg to the other.

Presumably she clicked her fingers and the top prosthetists jumped into action, salivating over the prospect of seeing their handiwork on TV, and whipped up a revolutionary high-tech leg within a couple of days.

Want a new leg on the NHS? First, make an appointment to see the rehabilitation doctor (probably in at least two weeks' time). He may or may not agree to your request (although the last time I had to write a letter formally setting out my reasons for needing a spare leg with an expensive knee before the request was granted).
Next, make another appointment to see the prosthetist (maybe in a week if you're lucky).
Have a cast made (two hours' minimum).
Then make another appointment for a fitting.
Have fitting (involving sitting in the waiting room for a minimum of three hours).
Make another appointment for a second fitting.
Finally, about three months' later you might get your new leg, after which it will take at least a week to 'break it in' (and believe me, it's a lot more uncomfortable than wearing a new pair of shoes).

You get my drift... the NHS professionals really do care about their patients and do their best for you, whilst trying to look after another ten patients within the same consultation time. And all on an extremely limited budget.

So when I see Ms Mills backflipping across the stage and clueless presenters telling everyone how fabulous her leg is, then quite frankly it pisses me off because it's not like this for the majority of the amputee community.

And another thing - Ms Mills is a below-knee amputee. I am above-knee. It sounds obvious but this means she has her own knee and I do not. So she can support weight on her bent knee, and move her leg around from the knee joint, where as I can't. My knee is either straight and weight-bearing or bent and collapsible. So that's why I won't be taking up salsa dancing again any time soon. Or doing backflips (although I could never do those before anyway).

OK, rant over, I feel much better now. And breathe...